Anger is a part of life. We all experience it, but we may only see it as destructive or hurtful. Allowing ourselves to feel authentic anger can play a vital role in moving our lives forward.
I've learned a lot about anger from my teacher, Dr. Laurence Heller, founder of the Neuro-Affective Relational Model™ for Healing Developmental Trauma (NARM). In his book "Healing Developmental Trauma," co-authored with Aline LaPierre, PsyD, they discuss somatic mindfulness—supporting the biological completion of emotional states. This process helps us connect more deeply with our core aliveness.
We often resist authentic anger because it wasn't allowed in our childhood or we felt powerless to change our environment. When distressed, part of the normal inbuilt infant/child response is to protest, to be angry when our basic needs, such as being seen/heard/mirrored are not met, or if there was emotional and/or physical abuse. But protesting may risk losing attachment to our caregivers.
This attachment can feel as vital as eating or sleeping and may trigger deep fears of abandonment. Many carry these survival mechanisms into adulthood, fearing isolation if true to themselves. This creates a conflict between our need for authenticity and our need for love and acceptance.
Unresolved feelings can cause us to reenact past relationships, projecting unresolved anger onto others and keeping us stuck. I learned from Stefanie Klein, LCSW, and NARM faculty member that closure with those who impacted us isn't necessary to work through our anger; it’s about our relationship with our emotions.
I enjoy working with clients' anger because it connects them to their life force, enabling life changes. However, it's often met with resistance, with clients saying things like, "I don’t do anger" or "I can't change my circumstances." Even if they can't change their situation, connecting with their life force helps them show up for themselves.
They may protect abusive caregivers with rationalizations like, "They had a tough childhood too," or "I'm not giving them any more of my energy." Physically, this often shows up as tightness in the throat and chest, and fear of their own anger. I explain Dr. Heller's distinction between the emotion of anger (feeling and protesting) and the behavior of anger (doing something or assertively speaking up).
No wonder many feel uncomfortable with anger. Defaulting to sadness, anxiety, or numbness may feel safer but keeps us stuck. Dr. Heller says anxiety often masks suppressed anger. We may fear losing love if we express our true feelings, directing anger inward and shaming ourselves. Brad Kammer, LMFT, LPCC, NARM Training Director says, "As children we had to disavow our authentic responses (including anger) to the environmental failure and how this then gets turned against the self in the form of shame.”
Some default to anger to avoid past pain, blaming, and yelling to protect themselves. This cuts them off from their vulnerability and disconnects them from their hearts. Living with hearts undefended allows us to access deep love within and orient our lives from love.
I guide my clients through a NARM emotional completion process to feel and own their anger without catharsis or overwhelm. To tolerate this energy, I may have them expand their body by opening joints, following Dr. Raja Selvam's approach. By providing space and somatic support to contain the energy of anger, not discharge it, their life force integrates, giving them more energy to do life.
I then explore what needs the anger is communicating and help clients embody this energy which turns into inner strength. Affirming our truth empowers us, even if it's not accepted. Denying our reality shuts down our life force, while acting out can make us seem weak and problematic.
Inner strength helps clients move forward and set healthier boundaries, like "No, you can’t do that to me" or "I deserve better." They often appear more present, upright, and energized, later report shifts such as in their work, relationships, and living situations.
Integrating emotions like anger can challenge our ability to tolerate expanded aliveness. I've learned from Dr. Heller that as we thrive and individuate such as having meaningful work, it may feel like a threat to our psychological attachments. This is similar to the fear of abandonment we felt as children when we hid our real selves to be loved and accepted.
I am excited to share my understanding of anger from the NARM model that connects us to our aliveness. May this blog pique your curiosity about your relationship with anger and inspire your aliveness.
Brianna Lia Ho, MBA, BBA-PSYC is a NARM Master Practitioner & Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, also certified in Integral Somatic Psychology as well as in spiritual counseling with the American Institute of Health Care Professionals. She’s also trained in somatic attachment work including Transforming the Experienced-Based Brain & Somatic Resilience Regulation, and Neuro-Affective Touch. She sees clients internationally on Zoom www.Essence-Alive.com.
Disclaimer: Please note that I am not a psychotherapist or mental health counselor. The info above is not a substitute for licensed medical, psychological or psychiatric help.
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